Sunday, January 10, 2010

Porn: off-limits when I have a gf?

From Tom.

Angie, my name is Tom, I'm 20 years old and I have been with my girlfriend Kaitlyn for almost a year now. We have been doing really good, but there was a problem lately. She was on my laptop and discovered a lot of porn in my browser history. She completely flipped out and was even crying. I feel like such a scumbag. What should I do?


Ah yes, I also recall being very upset when I discovered my high-school boyfriend indulged in such things. Then again, I was 16 years old and didn't know SHIT.
Well shame on you! Not for the porn habit, but for letting your delusional girlfriend believe for so long that she's the only living being on the planet capable of arousing you! That's just silly.
I will assume that miss Kaitlyn is at least of legal age, and therefore a bit more mature than a jealous high school girl.
Listen, you are not a pervert, a monster, or a bad person. If you've been with the same girl for nearly a year and all you're doing is LOOKING at other women, she should consider herself lucky.
As long as these images and videos you're jerking off to are of intangible people you have no intention of communicating with, there is nothing for her to logically be upset about.
I mean, does SHE masturbate at all? You should ask, and encourage. If so, what does she use to get off, dreamy thoughts of you in her head? Please. Everybody is entitled to visual stimulation. It's on a completely different plane than love or warm fuzzy feelings.
Don't change your internet habits, or worse - start lying to her, just be confident and upfront about reality vs. fantasy. If she can't handle something so trivial now, she's headed for a life of disappointment.
By now, your lover should also be a friend. So be a friend, and introduce her to how the world actually works. Plenty of guys AND girls (including this blogger!) are capable of enjoying fine erotica and having loving relationships at the same time.

Mama's Boy?

From Lauren:

Angie, what is your take on this? My boyfriend is 19 years old, and he still asks his mother permission for EVERYTHING. Before inviting me out to family events (shouldn't a girlfriend be an automatic "+ 1" ?), before taking me out on a date, before FEEDING ME (i.e., heating up a pizza) when I come over. This seems a bit ridiculous. How do I get him to realize he's a man and can be more decisive?

I'm assuming that by the lack of the phrase "only" before "19 years old", you're around the same age as your boy, right? So I'm going to venture to guess that you may not be as grown up and mature as you want me to believe. Listen, you're dating a guy that still lives at home, which is perfectly normal for his age. Do you have any idea what it's like to raise teenagers? Neither do I, but I imagine it must be nice for them to be so respectful.
Put yourself in his mom's shoes for a second. You have a son, possibly in college, who has a clearly demanding girlfriend. How about you show a little appreciation when you're invited into their home and into their lives?
Fact is, expecting your guy to act like an independent 30-year-old at 19 is just not fair, and treating him like the "man" you want him to be will only likely result in him resenting you for forcing him to grow up during what SHOULD be the best years of his life.
Chill out, huh?